Never Said Goodbye
by RoseWalker
Summary: Heero losses what he treasures most. 1st person Heero POV. Warning death fic!


**Title: Never Said Goodbye**

**Fandom: Gundam Wing**

**Paring: Heero x Duo Trowa x Quatre**

**Disclaimer: Gundam wing isn't mine. Sad really, I could do with the money. Read end for others.**

**Warnings: Lots and lots of angst, death and despair. Yeah happy one this, sorry.**

**Notes: Need to read the bottom as I don't want to give stuff away.**

**Thanks: To my depressing little demon for this one. (My muses are demons by the way!) It stuck in my head and I had to write it.**

**Summary: Heero looses everything dear to him**

I stood silently staring at the officer, although I didn't see the man before me. I was looking straight through him. I could tell no emotion showed on my face.

"Sit down Mr Yuy." The policeman told me carefully. I glared at him before slowly falling on to the sofa. I couldn't argue with the man who had just brought me the news. My emotions that I had finally found were cruelly ripped away again. All I could feel was numbness but I knew it would hurt later; it would hurt more than self destructing. "You have to come to the hospital Mr Yuy. For identification purposes." I gave a quick nod. It would have to be done, I just hoped that when I got there they would be wrong and it wouldn't be him lying there. While every second passed I hoped that he would stroll in with a big grin and say he was sorry he was so long and he was sorry for what happened. As every second passed I knew he wouldn't.

As I sat in the police car, I watched the orange lights go by. I sat in silence despite the police trying to get a word out of me, anything. I gave them nothing. They hadn't trusted me to drive, I was in shock. They couldn't have known I could drive with my eyes shut. If I had driven my own car, I probably wouldn't have made it to the hospital; I don't know if I would have gotten out the drive. I don't know what I would have done. I let my mind wander on the long journey, back to the past. Our first date, our first kiss, when we first made love, when we were official boyfriends, when we told the others, our first argument, the make up sex, our last argument… our… last…

-x-

I was tired after a long day at the office. My boss had been infuriating me all day. I just wanted to get back and relax. I opened the door to our flat and nearly screamed in horror. The place was a bomb site and Duo was sitting in the middle of it, watching TV. It was just too much for me to take.

"Duo! What the hell is this?" His large violet eyes looked up me with all innocence.

"It's our flat?"

"I can see that, it's all the crap in it!" I really wasn't in a good mood.

"Ahh, come on Hee-chan, it's not that bad." He said brightly. I was having none of it.

"Duo, it's a tip. You had a day off. You could have done some tidying." The smile slipped slightly.

"You had a hard day?"

"Damn right I had a hard day, I want to come back home and relax but I find a pig sty instead. Do you ever think Duo?" The braided one looked hurt at that.

"Sorry Hee-ch-"

"Don't call me that." Duo frowned. He got up and walked over to me. He slid his hands to my shoulders.

"Hey, don't worry bout it, 'kay." I turned and snapped at him then.

"I do worry about it. I just want to come home to a clean room. Is that too much to ask for?" I shrugged his hands away. He didn't say anything. "Obviously it is." I walked away from him, to our room. "Well maybe you should go live somewhere else."

"Heero." I turned to look at him again, a deep frown crossing my own face. I could see tears in his eyes, but I was too worked up to care. "You don't mean that."

"Don't I?" I shouted back. He looked like a kicked puppy then, I was too angry to notice. I watched him as he screamed back at me,

"Fine!" Then he turned around and walked out the front door. With a flick of his braid and a slammed door he was gone. How I wish I had known that that was going to be the last time I saw him alive. The last time I would see life in that beautiful face. The last time I was going to hear his voice or see those amazing eyes. I would have run after him, apologised to him, kissed him, held on to his ankles and begged him not to leave. But I didn't. I walked into our bedroom and took off my shoes. I sat on the edge of the bed, before finally letting myself fall back. I figured he would be back soon anyway.

It wasn't until I noticed it getting dark, that I realised how long he had been gone. I looked over to the bedside clock. It had been over two hours. I sat up suddenly. How could it have been two hours? Why hadn't Duo come back? When I thought back on our argument it was then I realised how stupid it was. I can be so stubborn and stupid sometimes. Duo told me that repeatedly. I began tidying the room myself. It wasn't even that messy really. I sighed when I finished. I looked at the clock again. Another hour had gone by and there was still no sign of Duo. I began to pace the now tidy room. Had he really taken what I said to heart and gone to live somewhere else? I decided to phone Trowa and Quatre and see if he had gone to see them. At least then I would know where he was.

After I put the phone down, my worry began to twist into panic. Neither Trowa nor Quatre had heard from my lover, they were equally as worried as I was when I had told them what had happened and how long he had been. They said they would let me know if they heard anything. I knew Wufei was off world, so Duo wouldn't be with him. Two dead ends and still no Duo. I started my pacing again; I was surprised I didn't run the floorboards down. Suddenly the doorbell rang. I ran to it and flung it open. My apology died on my lips and my hope had a bucket of ice cold water thrown over it. At the door stood two policemen looking grave.

"Mr Yuy?" I nodded.

"Do you know a Mr Duo Maxwell?" Again I nodded, not sure what this was about. Had Duo been arrested? "May we come in sir?" Again I nodded. I opened the door wider to let them in. Both of them were tall, they made me feel insignificant. Maybe I was. They both took their hats off looking solemn. "Mr Maxwell was…hum…close to you?"

"Yes, we were partners." They could take that how they wanted to; they looked uncomfortable as it was. For myself, I was amazed my voice had escaped my sandpaper throat.

"We have some… regrettable information for you Mr Yuy. About an hour and a half ago, your… partner," He seemed to struggle with the word. "Had an accident. He was riding a black Kawasaki Ninja, when an oncoming car… lost control and collided… with him. He was taken to hospital but was… pronounced dead on arrival." I looked at them taking in the information.

"How did… how did he die?" The police officer looked at his comrade who took over, looking nervous.

"Multiple injuries to the neck, back, legs, arms and pelvis. There was not a lot that could be done to save him, I'm sorry."

-x-

My thoughts were dragged back into the present by our arrival at the hospital. I was escorted in and met by Trowa and Quatre. I had called them before my lift to the hospital. Both of their faces were filled with worry.

"What's happened?" Quatre asked, his voice edged with fear. I had not told them what had happened, just to meet me here. I wasn't sure if I could tell them now. I looked all around the walls before facing the blond before me again.

"Duo… he…" I had to do this. "Duo had an accident."

"Oh Allah. Is he…"

"He's… dead." My voice sounded so hollow, it was alien to me.

"Heero! I…" Even sweet Quatre had nothing to say. Trowa stayed silent but I could see the sadness in his eyes.

"Mr Yuy?" A nurse tentatively approached us. I managed a nod. "Uh, this way please." We followed the nurse through corridors to the mortuary. Quatre offered to go with me but I shook my head. I needed to do this alone.

I approached the body quietly. I had never felt this tense before, not even during the wars. I was hoping beyond hope that this was all a mistake and it wasn't Duo under there or it was a bad dream. A really bad dream and I would wake up at any moment to find myself wrapped tightly in Duo's arms. As the nurse lifted the sheet I knew neither of these things was true. I looked down at my lover; he seemed almost asleep but too pale to be so. He had been wearing a helmet, so his face was untouched. Still as beautiful as it had been in life. I looked down at him completely emotionless.

"Is this Duo Maxwell, Mr Yuy?" How I wished I could have said no. But it was him. My beautiful lover, death having finally claimed him. I nodded slowly at her. "I am sorry for your loss." I practically ignored her; I continued to stare down at him. "Are you alright, Mr Yuy?" My mouth was so dry, I could hardly swallow. My voice came out so quiet I wasn't even sure if she heard me.

"We'd been arguing. He left. I never said goodbye. I didn't get to tell him how much I loved him. I didn't get to say goodbye." The nurse walked to my side and placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"I'll give you a moment." I nodded my thanks as she left me alone. I felt so detached, broken. I felt almost as if I was spinning. It made me feel sick.

"You weren't supposed to leave yet. We were supposed to be together. Now what am I going to do? You changed me so much. I didn't mean what I said; I hope you knew that… I'm going to miss you so much. I miss you now… Good bye Duo." I wanted to touch his braid but it was tucked underneath him. Instead I stroked his bangs and down his cheek. It was cold. "Wait for me." I whispered in his ear not knowing or caring if he did hear me or not but it was something I had to say. I paused looking down at him for the last time. I kissed his lips fleetingly. They were also clod to the touch. No warmth, no breath. It finally hit me that Duo was dead. But I couldn't cry. It confused me. I just felt… empty. As I turned away, Quatre and Trowa walked in with the nurse. They both watched as she covered Duo back up. I could see the tears in Quatre's eyes as he clung to Trowa's hand. I couldn't look back. I just walked straight out.

As I was walking down the corridors I heard a doctor talking to another nurse. I only heard a part of their conversation.

"…stable in 5G. The police wanted to question him. Killed a biker, a young one too. Too young. Sad business, drink driving. I never understand why they do it." I had heard enough. I slipped through the corridors until I found room 5G. An older man was strapped up to various machines but was conscious. I stared at him through the window. I felt anger flaring up inside me. This bastard had killed my Duo. I clenched my fists, turning the knuckles white. I reached for the gun that I no longer had. I growled in frustration. This sad excuse for human didn't deserve to live. I vaguely heard a voice in the background but chose to ignore it. I reached to open the door. A hand stopped me; I looked round to see that Quatre and Trowa had found me. Trowa was the one who tried to stop me.

"Don't." I growled at him, shoving his hand away. "He should die. He killed Duo." I tried to move forward again. He moved in front of me this time. "He will die and I'll be the one to do it. He won't have a choice, like Duo didn't." I tried to push past Trowa but he held me back.

"Can't let you do that Heero."

"Out of my way Trowa!" Trowa stood his ground, glaring at me. I didn't care; I was just seeing red and wanted that man's blood. Without thinking I punched Trowa across the jaw. "Get out the way and I won't hurt you." He shook his head. "That bastard should die. Stop trying to save him, he doesn't deserve it. Let me kill him!" My voice had gone almost squeaky with anger. I was nearly ready to explode. I punched Trowa again. He hardly flinched. I couldn't help it. Once I had started I couldn't stop. I hit him again and again hardly realising my hits were getting weaker each time until I found my self slumped against him and he was guiding us to the floor.

"Shh Heero. Calm down. We know you're angry and you have every right to be. But this is not the answer." I just rested my head against his chest letting his heartbeat calm me again. Quatre watched with pained eyes. He had felt completely helpless as I had attacked Trowa. The green eyed man rubbed a gentle hand down my back. It was the soothing touch I needed.

"I-I-I'm sorry Trowa." I finally managed to force out.

"It's alright. It's a good job I'm so tough. But I'm sure I'm going to have some colourful bruises."

"Trowa." Quatre had finally spoken. He looked up to his blond lover. "We should bring Heero home with us. He can't go back to his and- his flat." Quatre nearly kicked himself when he nearly mentioned Duo. Trowa agreed to this. They never asked me. I was somewhere else again. I still hadn't cried.

-x-

Quatre and Trowa's home was in fact a mansion. It had plenty of space for me and half a colony. I had never understood why they lived in such a big place and I wasn't going to start understanding now. Quatre led me into the house as if I was a fragile doll about to break at any moment. I didn't have the energy to say anything. Trowa had gone ahead to sort a room out for me. Quatre led me to the room just after Trowa had finished sorting it. He led me over to a chair and sat me in it. Was this what it felt like to be old? If so, I never wanted to become old. The blond looked down at me with sorrowful teal eyes. I met them with my own Prussian. He held my gaze until finally saying,

"Heero, it's ok to cry. It doesn't make you weak. I'm sure- I'm sure Duo wouldn't want you to bottle everything up." I couldn't even reply to that. I watched as he sighed then turned and left. As he was pulling the door closed Trowa met him outside. I couldn't help but overhear their conversation.

"I'm really worried about him Trowa."

"Don't worry, little one. Heero is a strong man, he'll be fine."

"That's why I worry; he tries to be too strong. I just don't know what will happen."

"We will have to look after him. He can't go home, at least not tonight. We can be there if he needs us." Quatre must have nodded as there was no answer. "It's alright love."

"I just- can't believe he's gone. It's not fair Trowa. It's not fair." I could hear the tears in his voice.

"I know. But we have to be strong, for Heero." He heard a slight sniffle.

"He seems so- blank. Worse than in the war. It's like there's nothing there."

"Give him a chance, love. It will come, and when it does we will be there if he needs us." Even Trowa's usually strong voice seemed to waver. I sat silently. Not knowing what to do. A slow mantra started up in my head and I couldn't get rid of it. 'I will never see him again'. Trowa stuck his head round the door. I looked at him. "We'll be in our room if you need us." He gave a strained smile, realised he wasn't going to get a reply and left.

I sat for hours in that chair, I didn't move and felt every second pass me by. Every second without him. My muscles began to feel the strain. Not being a soldier anymore meant I had let go very slightly, I wasn't what I used to be. I decided I would wander around. I opened the door quietly and looked out. It was dark but I could see easily enough. I walked through the dark hallway, my footsteps practically silent. Everyone had gone to bed. I walked down the stairs, not really paying attention to where my feet went. I went to the front door and opened it. I stepped out into full moonlit night. This had been his favourite time. The black sky sprinkled with stars and the full moon glowing brightly. Could Duo see this? Was he up there? I didn't know but found I had to turn away. It was starting to hurt knowing I would never see a sky like this without him. I went back indoors only just realising how cold it was. I was exhausted but I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to go back to the bedroom. I headed for the sitting room instead.

I opened the cupboard and looked through the collection of CD's. One particularly caught my eye. I pulled it out and glanced over the track listings. I found what I was looking for. I put it into the stereo and made sure the volume wasn't too loud, I put the song on to repeat. As Paul McCartney's voice filtered through the speakers, I slumped to the floor. It's amazing how music from the 20th centaury can still be relevant in the present. After the tenth repeat I began to sing along changing the words slightly.

_Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away  
Now it looks as thought they're here to stay  
Oh I believe in yesterday_

_Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be  
There's a shadow hanging over me  
Oh yesterday, came suddenly_

_Why he, had to go  
I don't know he wouldn't say  
I said, something wrong  
Now I long for yesterday_

_Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play  
Now I need a place to hide away  
Oh I believe in yesterday._

_Why he, had to go I don't know  
He wouldn't say  
I said, something wrong  
Now I long for yesterday_

_Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play  
Now I need a place to hide away  
Oh I believe…._

My voice trickled out as my throat tightened. There was a pause and the song started again. My breath hitched and I could feel damp on my face. I ran my hand across my cheeks. Tears. I was finally crying. Now that I started, I found I couldn't stop. I brought my knees up o my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I managed to slip out one word. "Duo." Before I lapsed into full crying.

I must have sounded like a child as Trowa and Quatre came racing down the stairs and switched the light on. I continued to cry on my knees. I missed the glances the two shared. Quatre sat down next to me and Trowa turned the music off. He sat down on my other side.

"It's- it's all my fault. If I – hadn't argued with him…" I swallowed.

"Now don't you say that." Quatre told me firmly. "It's not your fault. I know he wouldn't blame you. He would probably blame himself." I shook my head vehemently.

"Not his fault. I started – argument. Made him leave." I lapsed back into more tears and sobbing. The pain of loosing Duo, my lover, my soul mate, had made itself known. Quatre threw his arms around me and hugged me tightly. He was starting to cry too.

"Never blame yourself, Heero. It wasn't your fault." I turned to him and hugged him back, letting my tears soaking his shoulder. I felt Trowa's arms reach around us both. I hardly noticed that both of them were only in their boxers. It was all they had the chance to throw on. It was then I realised how worried about me they really were. And I was grateful for them. It was going to take a long time, but at least they would be beside me.

-x-

There weren't many people there. Just close friends. It was all that was needed. I was standing alone but Trowa, Quatre and Wufei were standing across from me. I stared at the coffin in front of us. I didn't want to think that was him. It wasn't. He wasn't there anymore. I'm sure the weather was with us for this occasion. It was raining. The vicar's voice was a low rumble, like distant thunder. As they were burying the coffin, I knew they were burying my heart too. I took notice when it was Quatre's turn to say something. He read a poem.

_Do not stand at my grave and weep,  
I am not there, I do not sleep.  
I am in a thousand winds that blow,  
I am the softly falling snow.  
I am the gentle showers of rain,  
I am the fields of ripening grain.  
I am in the morning hush,  
I am in the graceful rush  
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,  
I am the starshine of the night.  
I am in the flowers that bloom,  
I am in a quiet room.  
I am in the birds that sing,  
I am in each lovely thing.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry,  
I am not there. I do not die._

I knew the poem and I was thankful to Quatre for choosing that one. I couldn't help the tears that escaped. My eyes were nearly black from lack of sleep. I had only managed a few hours in the past week. Sleeping on my own was harder to get used to then having someone with you. I missed the extra warmth and the feel of him beside me. When I did sleep, I was plagued with nightmares that I didn't even want to think about. I knew I looked like the walking dead myself but I also didn't care. My friends had made sure I was tidy for this day. If it hadn't been for them, I wouldn't have made it here. For my final farewell. I heard a song being played, I hadn't noticed the player at first, but spotted it now. It had been my choice. I knew it was a love song but it always made me cry. Isn't it strange what opera can do to a man? It said everything though, Time to Say Goodbye.

_When I'm alone  
I dream of the horizon  
and words fail me  
There is no light  
in a room where there is no sun  
and there is no sun if you're not here with me, with me _

_From every window  
unfurl my heart  
the heart that you have won  
Into me you've poured the light  
the light that you found by the side of the road _

_Time To Say Goodbye  
Places that I've never seen or  
experienced with you  
now I shall  
I'll sail with you  
I'll sail with you  
upon ships across the seas  
seas that exist no more  
I'll revive them with you _

_When you're far away  
I dream of the horizon  
and words fail me  
and of course I know that you're with me, with me  
you, my moon, you are with me  
my sun, you're here with me  
with me, with me, with me _

_Time To Say Goodbye  
Places that I've never seen or  
experienced with you  
now I shall  
I'll sail with you  
upon ships across the seas  
seas that exist no more  
I'll revive them with you _

_I'll go with you  
upon ships across the seas  
seas that exist no more  
I'll revive them with you  
I'll go with you.  
I'll go with you. _

They lowered the coffin into the hole that they had dug for it. I watched through watery eyes, unsure if it was rain or tears. My umbrella had slipped from my grasp. I threw a single rose in with it. I had managed to find a black one. Wufei had questioned this. I told him it was because it was rare, like he had been. Black had also been his favourite colour of course. The ceremony finished. Quatre thanked the vicar. Everyone gave me their condolences. I nodded absently, continuing to stare at the gold plaque on the top of the coffin. Everyone left me so I could have time alone. I was grateful for that. I sank to my knees in the soft mud, not caring about the cold or wet.

"I will visit you." I whispered. I had been so strong before but now… my heart and soul belonged with him. Only my body remained and it hurt, it hurt so much. "I will always love you, Duo Maxwell. Goodbye my love." I blew a kiss. I watched as two men began to fill the grave in. They looked me sadly. I could see it in their eyes 'not another one'. I got up and turned away.

-x-

I walked out of court with Quatre, Trowa and Wufei beside me. I was in shock. Trowa had held me upright. The man had been given a sentence of eight years in prison for dangerous driving while unfit to drive and causing death by dangerous driving. There at least, as Wufei said, had been some justice. I knew it wouldn't bring Duo back, but at least that man was not walking free. It wasn't this however that had shocked me. I had found out that Duo was riding towards the town when he had the accident. He had been coming home, coming back to me. He had managed to say two words before he died.

"Sorry. Heero."

**Ok, sorry if anyone's crying now but if you are at least I did my job right. I just hope you're not laughing. Yeah I'm in a depressing little hole at the moment can you tell? Poor Duo always seems to get the brunt though, bless him. Right, Yesterday was Paul McCartney's, the poem 'Do not stand at my grave and weep' is considered to be written by Mary Frye but that's complicated and I'm not sure who 'Time to say goodbye' belongs to but Sarah Brightman and Katherine Jenkins among many other opera singers have sang it and it's a gorgeous song! breathe For my story I used an English translation of the song so everyone understands it, normally I think it's mostly in Spanish or something. Correct me if I'm wrong though.**


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